Last night I tried to kill myself, emphasis on tried as I’m currently writing this from my mum’s house and not a cloud with built in wi-fi compatibilities.
I ended up in hospital for many hours, but the pain I felt that drove me to ingesting a lot of pain killers in one sitting made feel so numb that time feels like it isnt going fast enough.
At around 9pm, I finally got in contact with my boyfriend who had been radio silent for two days. Which isn’t unusual for a human being but there has rarely been a time in our one year relationship, which we celebrated only a few weeks ago, where we wouldn’t be in contact.
The second he answered the phone, I knew what to expect. I’ve been here before. He spoke in a tone I’ve never heard him sound, he sounded like a stranger who had got the wrong number.
He told me he didn’t want me to move in with him anymore. He didn’t want me to move down to England. He had thought this for a long time and wanted to tell me while I was a guest at his dad’s wedding and he was telling his family about our future down south, he wanted to tell me while I booked my non-refundable plane tickets to visit him for my birthday, while he wrote and sent me a card on our anniversary that said he loved me and always would.
There’s a sense of irony that this was on the back of that card considering what’s just happened:
He went on to say we would have just argued a lot, he didn’t want me to uproot my life. Everything I said to him when he was teary eyed when I originally insisted on not moving and that I don’t do long distance and we should break up.
It was he who constantly convinced me to keep being together, to move my life.
So the pain I feel now is less that of heartbreak from a breakup, and more confusement and anger.
In the year we’ve been together the amount of times we’ve argued I can count on one hand, 3. 3 times. After those times we’d talk it out maturely and be fine again. It’s one of the reasons I loved us – because we acted like adults. Crazy adults in love.
But I don’t see what’s adult at telling me that he wants it over, while I’m in public on the street and while only a few days before did he proclaim how much he loved me, that he wished I wasn’t depressed and that he was excited for us living together.
I broke down, fell into a heap on the ground and sobbed while he listened. People stared, my glasses fell to the ground, but I didn’t care.
A part of me of course knew we could break up. It happens. But, I never thought he’d do it while I was in public with no friends near me, alone and over the phone. We were best friends. We were friends before we dated.
My partner before him, of nearly 2 years, did something similar. Broke up with me over the phone. It crushed me. I still haven’t gotten over it. I still don’t understand why someone who knew me so personally wouldn’t think for a second that I deserved a pinch of respect from face to face conversation.
My partner, now ex, knew this. He would repeatedly get angry at the mention of my ex. But, he did the same thing anyway. And, what’s worse is I didn’t see it coming unlike with the one before.
We never argued, we were always happy, I always trusted him, I was never jealous or paranoid. That’s why I thought this was it. I actually thought within a couple of years time I would have been Mrs Rosalie Deans.
I am so confused more than anything. Everything he said has no evidence to support it. The only thing that makes sense to it would be if he cheated on me, liked the close company and wanted to leave me. Or he spent EGX being told to leave me and play the field. Or a mixture of both.
I’ve tried phoning again to get answers. No answer.
No answer full stop.
He made no effort to contact any friend or member of my family to tell them that I told him I was going to kill myself. He hasn’t checked in today, when I can only assume he’s been told I was sent to hospital.
All I can think of is why would he do this? Why would my best friend do this to me? And why has it happened again?
The only logic is, I deserve it.
Maybe I am not meant to be loved like that.
Some people do die being single. Maybe I am one of those people.
It’s not just his actions, or lack there of, that made me want to die. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and general anxiety disorders so suicidal thoughts are part in parcel.
I actually talked to him on Skype on Monday that I was having them, he assured me things would be okay. He knew I had suicidal thoughts but thought that breaking me heart on the phone in public wouldn’t have escalated that in any way?
I’ve had a weird life. Poor background of being bullied and beaten. I’ve been raped which already severely affected my trust in relationships and people.
I just wanted a break. He treated me like I always knew I deserve to be treated, as a friend and as a partner. So I thought this was my break. That even if I didn’t become a famous game composer a voice actor that at least I could be someone’s wife and mother to their children.
I don’t think I get a break.
I haven’t actually cried much. Last I did was in the back of the Ambulance. I’m done with crying. I just feel angry and numb.
Here is someone who yesterday was my best friend, to someone who doesn’t care that I could have died. Wouldn’t that make you angry?
Do I want to try again? Yes. Is it my first time in the hospital for a suicide attempt? No.
I don’t think I have the strength to trust anyone again, may they be a partner or just a friend. And I can’t bear the thought of feeling this way again. I’m not cut out for it.
There’s people in this world in way more dire straights than me, who deserve a life way more than I do. If I could give them mine, I would.
I really wish I could.